My Story
I am a special needs mom and over time, I became so consumed with being a special needs mom that it became my identity. I was so wrapped up in caring for my daughter that it is like I was covered up underneath. I was covered like a pile of laundry on top of me. Covering me was the responsibility, worry, health concerns, school meetings, caretaking, isolation, fears, loneliness, uncertainty, etc. Each of these things were piled on me weighing me down. I did not always feel the weight of it, in fact, I prided myself in the ability to manage it all and I was honored and proud to be Kayla’s mom. I felt like I was born to be her mother and I took the role so seriously that I lived for her happiness and never really gave thought to myself or my own needs. But, deep down, underneath the covers that were piled on me I desired more. I wanted more for myself and wanted to explore my own hopes, dreams, and desires. I just did not allow myself to acknowledge it and I convinced myself that I was happy with caring for those around me.
At the same time, I was struggling with a marriage that was unhealthy and once again I had lost myself by giving everything I had to someone else’s needs and that meant that my family was falling apart. I had never felt lonelier. I was consumed with unhappiness. I felt like I lost myself and honestly, did not even know who I was any more. Then, my husband and I made the difficult choice to end our marriage and I felt like giving up. I had to grieve the loss of the family I thought I would have. Thinking about spending half the time with my youngest daughter who was 2 at the time broke my heart. How did my life come to this? This is not what I had imagined for myself at all.
My very first night in my new apartment, I finally got my children to bed in their new rooms. I felt exhausted both emotionally and physically. I looked around at all the unopened boxes and the new surroundings. I was overcome with the emotions of all that was going on in my life. The guilt of putting my children in the situation, the worry for how I would manage it all on my own and overwhelm of all the things that needed to be done. For the first time in my life, I was alone in my own place.
I walked into the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I stared deep into my eyes, so deep that I was looking into my own soul. And said out loud, “You finally did it.” And then I smiled at myself and I repeated, “You finally did it.” with pride in myself I do not ever remember experiencing. And at the time, I thought I meant, you finally are in your own place and got everything moved out. You finally made it through the emotional challenges of leaving a marriage that was not healthy for you. You finally got the kids to bed after a long hard day of moving into your new apartment. I think it meant all those things. But I have come to realize now that it also meant I finally did it, I finally put myself first. It was about my special needs daughter or my youngest daughter, it wasn’t about my husband, it wasn’t about pleasing my parents or my boss, it was about me. I did something for me. And, it FELT GOOD! I was able to put myself first.
That decision was just the first of many more to come as I made the decision to live life on my terms so I could live my best life and feel more empowered and happier. But it did not happen overnight, and I still had to deal with fears, self-doubt, and old habits that did not serve me. I did not let that stop me as I was determined to continue to find myself beyond just a special needs mom. Over time, with some work on personal growth and a lot of reflection and journaling, I was able to come up with a process I use to help me with daily self-love. This helps me continue to work on my personal growth and helps me stay focused on pursuing my own goals and dreams.
What I have found is that by doing this inner work I feel more passionate about my life overall. I am living my life with purpose and meaning. I wake up feeling motivated and excited about my life. I am intentionally making time for the things that matter to me and because of this it not only makes me feel happy and confident but it impacts the people around me as well including my children, family, friends and spouse. And, speaking of marriage, I am now in a happy, healthy marriage for over 5 years where we respect and love each other and make each other a priority daily. I thought true love only existed in movies but I am proof that it is possible. When you allow yourself to put your needs first and one of those happens to be finding someone to love and share your life with then beautiful things can happen. I now have 2 step-daughters and a new family I so blessed to be a part of. And my daughters have a wonderful step dad as a role model.
When reflecting on how I will feel at the end of my life, I know that I can confidently say that I lived a happy life and did the things that were important to me. A life lived with no regrets.
